Two days ago I had a panic attack.

It came on in what anyone would think was a perfectly safe situation - I was in a room with Jamie at a free-diving centre in Amed, Bali, and we were working through static breathing exercises on yoga mats. Now, me, I can roll out my mat anywhere and as soon as I lay out my mat I drop into a calm place where I can examine how I'm feeling in a quiet and comfortable way.

The whole point of this exercise was a basic pranayama that I'm familiar with. Inhale for four counts, exhale for 6 to 8 counts, so the long slow exhale begins to slow down your heart rate, whereupon we were going to begin long breath holds in a relaxed state as practice for breathing under water.

Suddenly, I was overcome by panic. My palms became sweaty, my heart began racing, and I was totally flooded with cortisol. I simply had no idea why I was reacting in that way, but I knew I had to get out of the room, and fast.

Then, my inner critic kicked in - why the hell had I reacted in that way, and why was everyone else okay? Why couldn't I do this when everyone else was so calm? I felt like such an idiot. I called on all my yogic powers - breath, sit outside, focus on the sounds of the scooters, the sea, the birds, talk yourself into calm, you're okay, you're okay. The more frustrated I got, the more upset I became, and to my embarrassment, every one knew that I was crying.

Looking at the sky, I realised that as I was exploding, so too was Mt Agung, a big plume of ash rising to the white sky.

You and me both, sister, I thought, feeling into this connection to the earth. As I fought for control of my breath I felt the ground underneath me shake, as if in perfect syncronicity with the tremors of my heart. Like the volcano, I was fully immersed into my nature - the volcano bubbling lava from the deeps of the earths core, me bubbling up with my emotion. And I feared it would bring nothing but destruction - of my power, strength, courage, capability, self worth.

When the others had finished, the owner/diving coach came out and looked and me, waving his hands around his head and smiling. 'Too much going on in here?', he grinned. I smiled back and rolled my eyes. Oh yes, so much goings on in this mountain of self that was melting under the intense fire of emotion!

After lunch, whilst everyone was chatting, I went into the back room to meditate a little and try to find my centre again. What was it that made me react so?

Kev (the free diving guru) joined me, pulling up a cushion and chatting to me about what had gone on. I explained that I didn't quite know - my logical brain knew I was being irrational and there was nothing to fear, but my emotional brain was going lala. I explained that I felt embarrassed, frustrated, angry at myself for reacting in such a way, and that I was worried it was going to jeopordise the next part of the free diving course.

Kev, in a way I would come to see was incredibly empathetic, diplomatic and encouraging, re-assured me that it was perfectly cool, and everyone reacted differently to different things - there was no right or wrong, no benchmark of success or reaction to holding my breath or being underwater in this way, and everyone experienced things in different ways. Who knows what triggers us? he said, wisely.

With this reassurancce, I was able to get on with my day. It was so reassuring to have this very fit, very able, very strong and incredible person validate my experience as 'perfectly' okay, because most of my life, my emotional outbursts or reactions have been quite difficult because I've always felt odd because of them. No one else seems to react in quite the same way as I do to things - whether it's effusive joy, or extreme upset.

I've learnt to go with these volcanic upbubblings and lava flows of my emotion and have got to the point that I processs them faster, detach from them more quickly, and recognise their causes much more quickly that I did in the past, with much greater awareness. I am proud of this quality that I have nurtured, knowing that it was the only way forward.

My beautiful partner in life has also been instrumental in this self awareness and acceptance because he loves me because of my emotional identity, not in spiteof it. Now, I don't need anyone to validate me as such, but it's been a pretty good thing for me to recognise that I am worth loving as I am, and I don't HAVE to be more like other people.

Thus, when it comes to the @eco-train question of the week which asks whether or not I appreciate emotional openness in others, I have to be. If I have learnt to appreciate it in me, because of the growing and empowerment I get from it, how can I not appreciate that in others too?

And I do - I"ve always been up for a 'd&m' growing up. Whilst others might shy away from deep and meaningful conversations, as we called them, I was all in. I love seeing the deepest darkest parts of people, reflecting my own journeys and struggles with heartspaces. As I get older, I enjoy giving back - the little wisdoms I have gained off others that have helped me, can now go back out into the world to help others. It's part of the reason I became a yoga teacher, too. So bring on your emotional openness - I'll listen and help you out if you need it. Wierdly, I'll help you with my logical side, though! It's the voice I need the most when I'm being emotional, to balance me out, so it's probably my most circumspect and wisest voice.

Saying that, what I don't like, and can walk away from, are those that are bound to emotional patterns that are destructive and they can't kick. Being empathetic and willing to calmly help people means I've often been the one listening to friends for longer than I should at times. Some of us are caught in loops, where the emotional reactions to a past event or experience becomes so habitual that there's not enough awareness or desire to change it. I have seen this a lot with alcoholics or drug addicts that use these substances to dull the pain because they aren't strong or willing enugh to work through it to break open and change their habital patterns of mind.

Take Mikey, for example (not his real name). When we lived in our horse lorry on a travellers site in the UK, Mikey was in the space over from us in a big removal lorry where he lived with his girlfriend and young son. Every weekend he would get so hammered that he'd switch into quite a dangerous man for those who crossed him. J and I would be up for hours with him in our truck trying to listen to him and talk him down from any aggression he was feeling. He'd talk about his abuse as a child. Affairs that he thought his girlfreind was having on him. Past experiences. Emotional outpourings of anxiety, anger, depression and just basic suffering. No way could Mikey cope with his emotions and inner demons and they were coming out as pretty scary and very volcanic and always destructive.

Eventually, this one night, Mikey totally erupts, taking our axe and totally destroying the inside of his truck with it, his kid and missus outside in the rain screaming. It didn't matter we were up listening til 4 am - he was erupting and there was nothing that could stop it.

People like Mikey, we've learnt to walk away from. I don't want to hear about their emotional lives because it's the same thing, over and over, and they'll never change. They never do. Last I heard he'd gotten into harder drugs, and his wife and kid had thankfully left him. His emotions were some bad ju ju. Didn't matter that anyone was around to recieve them - it didn't mean a thing, because he wasn't willing to use them to power his life in a positive way.

Thus it seems to me there's a difference between emotional vulnerability - being free with emotions in order to crack open and create something new - a bond, a spiritual progression, a connection to others, a new aspect of self - and a kind of emotional dis-ability where emotions just get blurted out and fired up for no reason but to project your unhappiness onto the world.

Of course, we can practice compassion to this kind of unhappiness and emotional lava because we too have had these moments in our lives, or might:

“Through compassion you find that all human beings are just like you.” – HH The Dalai Lama

However, Patanjali, who wrote the Yoga Sutras, also said that whilst we can be compassionate, we should disregard the 'wicked' - and in this case, Mikey's emotional outpourings were so wicked because they were intend on allowing his lava flow to destroy everything in his path, just as he felt destroyed by whatever disaster had ruined his own peace. I can be compassionate, sure, but there's no value in being open to that shit - you may as well just burn yourself by jumping in the crater rather than watch from a distance.

So, how appreciative am I to emotional openness? In a nutshell, very. Unless it's destructive emotionality, rather than creative.

From this bubbling up of my own emotion, I learnt a lot. I learnt I've got a lot of work to do with my relationship with my breath. I learnt I'm pretty strong even in moments of weakness - I still got out in the water and dived down to 10 metres in 55 seconds on one breath. Yay me.

And so the hot lava flow ended at the sea for me, cooling the flow. I emerged from the water anew, jubilant.

And I look up to see Agung, quiet now, for a while at least.

ALL PHOTOS HERE ARE TAKEN FROM THE MT AGUNG DAILY REPORT FACEBOOK GROUP. My phone simply can't capture the sheer majesty of this volcano from a distance.

I also apologise for the reduced quality of these posts as it's hard to type them out on my phone on the hop!

Sending you all warm peaceful vibes, dear SteemFolk, as ever! 🔥❤

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